Why The Ice Climbers Are Actually Evil

I recall “Ice Climber” to be a sinfully addictive game. Newer audiences may recognize them from Nintendo’s Super Smash Brothers Melee and Super Smash Brother’s Brawl as Popo & Nana .

Super Smash Brothers Brawl version      Original NES version

Super Smash Brothers version & Original NES version

At the beginning of the game we are treated with a short visual of the condor flying up the mountain with an eggplant in its talons. Now the only species of condors which fit the bill of living high up in an icy mountainous region is the Andean Condor. And although eggplants are not native to the Americas, there are certain regions close to the Andean mountains which do possess reasonable growing conditions for eggplants. Hence, it is very likely that the setting of the game is in the Andes and the ice climbers are in actual fact, South Americans.

I imagine this is what they do off the clock. Depiction here may be inaccurate due to my poor drawing skills....and poor spanish

I imagine this is what the “Ice Climbers” do off the clock. Depiction may or may not be accurate.

 

enemies

So They Are Latinos, Big Deal. We’re just getting started.

If you’ve played the game, you will notice that none of these mountain dwellers actively try to hurt you. In fact, the Topi walks around picking up after your shit and fixing the damage you made. Nitpickers fly around minding their own business, and the white bears just stomps the ground once in awhile. So what do the climbers do? Instead of preserving the delicate ecology of the mountain, they bring huge wooden mallets to pummel anything that stands in their way.

In fact, something doesn’t add up. We know the final boss is a condor, but in the game it is unmistakably a pterodactyl. So what if every other creature in the game is gravely exaggerated as well? What if all we are seeing is the materialisation of the images  projected from the twisted warped minds of Popo and Nana? The topi looks like a mini mountain yeti, but it could very well be a common mountain mammal tirelessly trying to build its nest. The Nitpicker could be baby condors. The white bear…could very well be another human!

Think about it. The bear only appears when you take too long to clear an area. It wears sunglasses and board shorts, undoubtedly human traits. The mind of the climbers are distorting reality but is unable to fully misrepresent humans as animals. What if the bears are mountain rescue teams sent out to find the climbers?

Oho, but none of that matters to the ice climbing duo. They bludgeon everything to death! How many bears have they slain? And you as the player sit there on your couch and permit them to carry out their murderous rampage, you sick psychopath!

Meh. I need more proof.
Here’s where things get complicated. Condors are carnivorous. Why would they steal eggplants? Could it be that someone has trained the condor to steal them? What if, to gain sympathy and funding for their demented hobby, the climbers trained condors to steal the village crops. Now they have a perfectly legitimate reason to hunt down the creatures, gaining hero status in the process. Have you noticed that retrieving the vegetables is not the ice climbers’ primary objective?

In the game, when you reach the top of the mountain, you enter a bonus stage where you must collect all the vegetables scattered throughout the area in a set amount of time…and then grabbing onto the condor’s talons…All the while trying to push your partner down the mountain.

bonus

Who traverses harsh near-arctic conditions, trespasses on giant condor territory, only to screw around and perform the most life-threatening (and foolish) stunt of grabbing onto a condor’s talons??

Two mallet wielding, bloodthirsty latinos, that’s who!

This end-level screen demonstrates everything we talked about. They keep score of how many vegetables they collect, how many baby condors they killed, and how much damage they’ve done to the mountain. And Look! Popo is crying despite having picked up more eggplants to feed his starving villagers. Nana on the other hand, collected a solitary plant, but is elated because she managed to grab on to the condor’s talons within the set time frame. Sick bastards!

Looks like you’re going to Hell.
Yes. Indeed I am. And so is everyone else who enjoyed this game. The tell-tale signs were there. We just weren’t seeing it. Look at the game covers. No matter the version, all I can see is some poor sunbathing polar bear and other creatures minding their own business, when suddenly BAM! Enter homicidal mallet lady with an intent to slaughter! This is why we can not have nice things…

  

In conclusion, we now know that the ice climbers lied about their ethnicity, lied about the condors, lied about their motivation, and even lied about being ice climbers. They are secretly evil and have been playing us for fools for years!

Why do I say they lied about being ice climbers? Don’t let the eskimo parka fool you.

This is ice climbing:

This is not: Any questions?

Score -1

43 Comments

Comments are closed.